I celebrated my 50th birthday last week. Fifty. 50.
For some reason, this birthday seems remarkable...
...like a portal of opportunity to step into my highest self.
...a chance to really ask myself, "What do I really, really want in my life now?"
So I tuned into my inner wisdom for a map or vision to guide me. In meditation, I received this beautiful vision:
I see a heart that spins and turns into an erupting volcano.
The lava floats down, destroying the old and creating new pathways until it hits the shore and forms something new.
In the distant I see myself in my own boat and
other women in their own boats coming toward the island.
We each hold the flame of our power, love and wisdom, our feminine fire,
at our heart-center and sing songs of love, remembrance, power and sovereignty.
Each of us on a mission to set the world on fire with love.
Above us, a dragon lights the sky with his fiery blaze.
Afterwards, I was in tears. Wow, what a gift! Such a powerful mission for this next chapter in my life...to set the world on fire with love through the hearts of women and their POWER.
I felt inspired, delighted...until, of course, I was faced with an initiation that forced to get clear on my own shadowy, unconscious patterns and limiting beliefs...especially in regards to asking for what I want and how I use my power.
It made me see the ways in which I'm still following old models of power while trying to discover my own feminine power in a masculine world. How often do my unmet desires leak out in anger because I don't take a stand for what I want? How often do I give up my power in order to keep everyone happy?
This made me wonder...how do we, as women, hold power?
Historically, we haven't had power for that long. Do we follow the models of masculine power? Power that is hierarchical, structured, competitive, leader over follower? And how do we NOT give in to the dark side of power that is self-obsessed, righteous, power-over something or someone.
The Ice Queen and Servant Girl
Our fairy tales show us the shadowy sides of feminine power. One model of feminine power is the Ice Queen who holds her power with ferocity, tenacity and is ever present to the danger of being usurped or annihilated by someone else. She models the masculine model of power that is hierarchical and controlling, one that rules through fear and intimidation. She dominates, takes of heads and eliminates anything that stands in the way of her desires.
Then there's the model of the Servant Girl, the one who puts everyone and everything above herself to be of service, not rock the boat and be palatable to everyone.
In a position of total service, her power can only come through passive aggressively, or through manipulation. She walks around in fear of "doing anything wrong" and tries to stay hidden. And yet, she has desires, but never asks for what she wants because she doesn't have the right. She's put into a hierarchical system that tells her daily that her voice or opinion doesn't matter. She is here to serve. She's not worthy of anything other than that.
As I write this, I can feel the tension of both of those archetypes living inside me. I know the fierocity of the Ice Queen in me that destroys as she demands. I also know the unworthiness of the Servant Girl that hides and is afraid to even meet the eyes of her own power because she doesn't feel she's worthy to hold it.
I know this from working with clients too and I've seen the magic that occurs when women are able to alchemize these two archetypal images and reweave the gifts of their shadows into a new archetypal energy, the Sovereign Queen.
The Gifts from the Shadow
Our greatest gifts come from our shadows and wounds.
Holding the Ice Queen in my heart, I know her gift is her clarity, her determination to claim her power and take a stand for herself and what she holds dear. Her shadow comes in when she uses her power to rule over without consideration of the other, or of the greater vision.
I feel the Servant Girl whispering to me too..."My gift is service, nurturance, support". Her shadow is not asking for what she wants clearly because inside she feels shame around receiving. She either never speaks up and puts her desires aside, or tries to get what she wants through manipulation.
In our world, we need a new way of holding our feminine power, inspired not by the either/or of being an Ice Queen or a Servant Girl, but holding power from each of their gifts.
This is power that is clear, determined and grounded in a sense of sovereignty. This is power that is offered in service to oneself AND the greater good. This is the power of a Sovereign Queen.
This is what I saw in my vision. A league of women in their own boats, guided by the flame of their inner heart light, guided by their passion and purpose for the world. Each of them unique, each sovereign and working together to create a world lit up with love.
Like the volcano from my vision, our world is in this continual process of destruction, preservation and creation. In this past year, so much is crumbling down, including the traditional ways we view power. We've been faced with more natural disasters than ever and with masculine style leadership that is only exacerbating already turbulent waters.
Our world desparately needs a new way, a new song to lead us out of the darkness. I believe the way will be found through the hearts of women and through feminine leadership.
It's not easy. Especially because we are so conditioned with the Ice Queen and Servant girl patterns of our past.
Asking for what we want, we run the risk of feeling judged or judging ourselves as demanding, cold, heartless (the Ice Queen showing up once more).
Or like our inner Servant Girl, we don't take a stand, we hide, we forget, or we bury our desires so that everyone will be happy and we can serve...all the while a quiet rage or hopelessness builds inside us.
It's tough to take a risk to be seen, to share ourselves so vulnerably, to ask for what we are worth...and yet, more and more, I'm feeling that there really is no other choice. We either choke down our power, or slowly destroy others or ourselves with rage or blame around our unmet desires.
Neither serves us, neither serves anyone.
Activate and Claim Your Inner Sovereign Queen
On this new moon, I'm celebrating the gift of this body and this life that has been incarnate for 50 years..That is something special!
And I'm celebrating the gift of intuitive wisdom that came in the form of a vision fulfill...to set the world on fire with love through the hearts of women.
To do this, I'm calling in my Sovereign Queen and I invite you to join me so that we can make a real difference in the world.
According to Merriam-Websters, "sovereignty" is "freedom from external control". To be sovereign then, is to know that your power lies inside you...not outside. For me the best way to access this is through the body, to actually feel your power and then make decisions based on the alignment of your power, love and wisdom...your feminine fire.
This week, I've been tested in standing in my own "sovereignty", seduced by both the old patterns of my inner Ice Queen and Servant Girl, when daring to ask for what I really, really want. It's been an initiation for the "good girl" in me, and an invitation to risk claiming my own sovereignty.
This is how I broke free from the old patterns of the Ice Queen and Servant Girl:
- I had to slow down and really listen to my true desires.
- I had to let go of the idea that my value lies outside myself and claim and connect to it inside.
- Once I was clear about my desires, I had to claim them without the filter of shame of showing up "too big" or rocking the boat or fearing other people's judgement.
- And finally, I let it go of the outcome with love.
The truth is that no matter what the outcome...I get what I want, or I don't...I've already claimed my sovereignty, because I made a claim aligned with my own feminine fire. That's the power, love and wisdom inside me, and each of us, that can never be taken away or threatened.
The flame of love within that lights us up. Each time we show up in our sovereignty, we light the way for another to do the same.
On this new moon, I invite you to plant the seeds of sovereignty for yourself and for our world. The world needs your gifts and your embodied knowing that you are a Sovereign Queen.
Holding you in my vision, I sing to you across the waves, feeling the rolling tide of our sovereignty..
Comment on the blog: How do you hold power? Can you feel the inner Ice Queen and Servant Girl within? What practices do you have to help you claim your inner authority and sovereignty. Share in the comments below and let's set the world on fire with love!